Are you throwing the punches or absorbing them?

It’s very easy to pass on a bad mood without even realising it. Like when you’re sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic, already frustrated because you are running late, and some idiot in an SUV cuts in front of you. You’re still fuming when you get to the office and so you snap at your colleague when she tries to tell you about her crazy weekend.

She is already not having the best morning, because her excitable dog peed on the carpet – again – just before she was supposed to leave the house. Your harsh tone pushes her precarious positivity over the edge, so when her husband phones from the supermarket to find out what type of bread to buy, she yells at him for not knowing – after five years together – about her gluten-intolerance.

But of course he does know, which is the whole reason he phoned to double check in the first place. He grits his teeth at her unjustified attack, but she hangs up before he gets a chance to defend himself, which is even more infuriating. Then he takes it out on the cashier, who has just started a nine-hour shift.

Throwing-or-absorbing-punches

On her way to work, the cashier had stood for an hour in a crowded, overheated bus, musty and fogged up by everyone’s breath, and then walked through the rain from the bus stop to the shop. This man’s rudeness so early in the morning is the last straw and her tone is abrupt and resentful with all of the customers coming after him.

So the disease spreads, but it just takes one person to break chain. One person who absorbs the negativity instead of passing it on. One person who, after their initial angry reaction, shrugs it off and thinks, “Whatever. It’s actually not such a big deal.”

I don’t believe there is ever an excuse for rudeness. Nonetheless, a sympathetic case can be made at any time for any one of us to lose control of our emotions. Everyone is dealing with something. Many of the times we yell or snap at someone, the things we are yelling about are actually not the things we are truly upset about – there’s something else going on in another area of our lives.

It takes strength to absorb the impact without releasing it. To always be the calm, emotionally responsible, considerate, non-reactive person when everyone around you is just letting their feelings carry them from one situation to the next. I don’t think it’s possible to be that person all the time. At least, I don’t think I could be that guy every time. But I will try to be him sometimes.

When you have the capacity to absorb the blow, do the next person a favour by not passing it on. You don’t always have to be the zen person, but it can’t always be someone else either.

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Dancing to your own beat

I never used to think I was a judgmental person, but lately I have begun to realise that sometimes when I look at people around me, from strangers to close friends to old school mates that I bump into for the first time in years, I readily jump to conclusions about their characters and their lives, based on what I can see of them. I think, “Wow, I’m glad I’m not in that situation,” or, “Man, I wish my life was like that.” And that is not okay. It is like judging an artist’s music or character based on sensationalised stories you’ve read in the media.

Judgmental opinion brain

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

In fact I have no idea whether they are content with their circumstances or not. They probably don’t want the same things I want from life or have the same goals I have. They probably wouldn’t miss the same things from their lives as I would. They don’t see themselves the way I see them, as failures or successes, because they are not measuring themselves against the same set of criteria for success. I have no right to make that call. They have made different choices to me, but that does not mean either of us is right or wrong, or that either of us have done the right or the wrong things. We are just different. The scope for acceptable and desirable lifestyles is relative and much wider than I once believed.