Depression has no face

Posted on 19 November 2017 by darylhb

When you live with depression, you become very good at hiding your feelings and wearing a mask. Depression doesn’t have a face.

Sometimes you try hard to overcompensate with exaggerated optimism. At other times you can’t get the energy up to socialise at all and you withdraw completely for a few weeks.

But things will change. You’re not alone. No matter who you are, there are people who care. You will get through the lows, but it’s easier with people supporting you. In the meantime, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to admit you need help. You’re human.

If you need to talk to someone, call the South African Suicide Crisis Line on 0800 567 567 or the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG) Mental Health Line on 011 234 4837.

What is love?

Posted on 11 August 2014 by darylhb

Recently my psychiatrist asked me about a romantic relationship I had been in a while ago. Before long I began telling her about all the ways I thought I had failed or fallen short. When I said that I wanted to do better at my next relationship, she told me not to say “better”, but to say “differently”. A phrase that I constantly apply to myself is “not good enough”, but my psychiatrist says one should not think of life in terms of “good or bad”, one should rather compare situations as simply “other/different”.

Good/Bad/Other

A needy sheep in a field.

The reason I have an issue with this is that if I can’t define something, or put it into a box marked “good” or “bad”, then how do I make sense of the world? How do I live up to someone’s expectations? How do I get full marks? How can I fit in and be accepted and win approval?

I told my psychiatrist that I have now been worrying and pondering whether I had really given my ex love or if I had just been needy. She replied that “it felt like love at the time”. But love can’t just be a feeling that is whatever you say it is because you want it to be so. Lusting after someone isn’t the same as loving them. Idolising someone isn’t the same as loving them. Etc.

Disillusioning definitions

The Oxford English Dictionary defines love as “a strong feeling of affection”, but I have a feeling many a married couple would rile against such a simplified synopsis of a lifetime together. As a romantic at heart, I certainly hope to get a commitment of more than “strong affection”. Or am I a fool, believing in something that may not exist?

After this conversation with my psychiatrist, I realised that I was comparing my attitude and behaviour during the relationship to the definition of love I had learnt years ago at church:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
– 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

Does this mean that to love someone we must be all of these things all of the time in equal measure? Can I be patient today and kind tomorrow? Can I protect a little and trust a lot? It is humanly impossible (in my humble opinion) to truly love anyone in our lives if this is what we are aiming for. But if this is not love then what is? At which point can we accept that we love each other enough? What is good enough? Or do we just realise one day that this is different and it feels like love?

Out holding hands

Posted on 1 July 2014 by darylhb

There are many countries all over the world where LGBT people are still persecuted for being themselves. Even in many first world countries, where freedom and equality are expected, gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people do not feel safe showing their affection in public. Here in South Africa, the first country in the world to outlaw discrimination based on sexual orientation, I would not feel safe walking down every street in Cape Town (also known as “The Pink City”, one of the gay capitals of the world) holding hands with another man.

This unspoken danger, like a crack in the democracy beneath our feet, fills many LGBT people with hypervigilance in unfamiliar neighbourhoods. All we want is to feel safe on our own streets. It is this danger and need for safety that American company Allstate Insurance tapped into when creating their latest advertising campaign to coincide with the legalisation of gay marriage. I love the photos and payoff lines they used in the posters below. It was a very shrewd marketing move that will improve their chances of the ads being spread all over social media, as well as emphasise their value proposition as an insurance company that keeps you and your assets safe.

Allstate LGBT ads out holding hands Allstate LGBT advertising campaign2